Boat

It's slowly sinking in.

Very slowly.

Well, we've always known it'll probably end up like this. Probably. That's the operative word that makes a fool, courageous -- in turn making 7% of the population extremely elated with a positive result, and the rest of us just schmucks.

We're 97%, the majority, and yet why does it feel like we're so alone in our misery?

It's a lot more painful than I thought it would be, realizing that, most likely, you won't get what you've been aching to get. Regardless of the preparation, the psyching-yourself-up, it still hurts when it does happen. Compound that with it being agonizingly calculating, deliberately moving. Like a knife being slipped in the pit of your stomach -- a millimeter at a time.

And when the hilt touches your pierced skin, it still won't stop there. Now, you slowly turn the blade -- a degree an minute. Even if it's impossibly unbearable, it's not as if you can tel time, "can you speed it up a little and fast forward to roses and daisies?"

Then you realize no matter how you think it's unbearable, it's still bearable (duh). You just wish that you didn't have to. Then you'll wake up one day finally sporting that giddy smile everyone hopes you'd be wearing... Then we'll all hope that everything that's happening now... all the slow, deliberate, painful things... are worth it.

Apparently...

And yet another of them sinking-feeling-in-the-pit-of-your-stomach bit.

Can't I get used to another emotion other than pain and/or rejection? I mean nothing has even started and I already feel like a muck.

Turn Tail

Turn tail and run. That's what's been ringing in my head for a while now. Coincidentally a new song from the Young Knives as well. I haven't articulated how I really felt recently because it's be a mileu of emotions for quite some time now.

My wish to disappear here is still there, though I have friends now that I don't think I will enjoy leaving that much. I read books that say that time passes even for us, broken hearted, broken spirited, us with broken souls. Time passes no matter how it aches, and it will not wait for us no matter how much we beg. We shant get left behind because it will just compound our present misery by adding future oportunity lost.

An upcoming opportunity to just disappear is fast approaching and I cannot turn a blind eye on a potential escape -- a fresh start. Funny this comes now when life has been... dare I say... better than crappy of late. But time passes, even for me. It's a chance to move. Just something new in this life under-appreaciation.

I know I have vowed before... but I will try to write more. In the hopes of someone reading, I will log what's in my lethargic head. Maybe someone will notice.